My First Love, My Forever Memory

I am a 26-year-old woman from Bhaktapur.

This is my first time writing something like this don’t judge me

When I was in class 11, I fell in love with a boy who was in grade 9. Our relationship was never perfect—it was not very good, not very bad. Sometimes I felt very happy, and sometimes deeply sad.

I couldn’t stand seeing him with anyone else. I just wanted him to be mine.

For him, I changed myself.

He liked calm girls who spoke politely with everyone.

But I was different—I was extroverted, always talking, laughing, and enjoying time with my friends.

Still, I tried to become someone else, just so he would like me more.

To me, he was everything.

He never really expressed his feelings clearly, but I stayed happy just because he was with me. I always wanted to be near him—even in class. Because of that, I couldn’t focus on my studies.

People around me kept saying, “He is younger than you. He is still in school, and you are in college.”

But I didn’t listen.

I even failed my exams.

I wanted to repeat class 11 and 12—just to stay close to him.

After his SEE, he joined another college, and I went to a different one too. Distance brought misunderstandings between us, and suddenly, he stopped contacting me.

Months passed.

Then one day, he came back into my life.

I didn’t ask him why he disappeared.

For me, his presence was enough.

We were together for almost four years.

He was my first love.

I always tried to make him feel safe so he could share his feelings with me. But he was different—he kept everything inside. He was struggling with his mental health, and he couldn’t express what he was going through.

Then, in June 2020, everything changed.

He attempted s*i*cide.

That moment broke me in ways I cannot fully explain. I felt lost, empty, and deeply d*pr*ssed. I locked myself in my room and cried endlessly.

Even when my mother brought me food, I couldn’t eat.

I kept thinking—he must be hungry too.

One day, I took my plate of food outside and left it on the road…

thinking maybe he would come and eat it.

That is how much I cared.

That is how deeply I loved him.

Even now, I cannot find the right words to describe what I felt during that time. Some emotions are too heavy for language.

But despite everything—the pain, the confusion, the silence—

there were also beautiful memories.

Moments that once made me smile without any reason.

But now, those same memories make me feel even more sad—

because he is no longer here with me.

He is in heaven.

I am Hindu, and he was Christian.

People say that those who attempt s*ic*de go to hell.

I don’t want to believe that.

I can’t believe that.

He was not a bad person.

He was just someone who was hurting.

Now it is 2026.

And something scares me…

I feel like I am slowly forgetting his voice.

I listen again and again to the song he sang for me.

I replay the voice note where he calls my name.

That small recording is the only thing that helps me remember him the way he was.

When he passed away, I felt completely alone.

There was no one who truly understood what I was going through.

I cannot say that I have fully moved on.

And honestly… I don’t want to.

What does “moving on” even mean?

He has already moved on from this world.

But he will always be a part of my life.

I will carry him with me forever.

I don’t need to forget him to live my life.

I just want him to see me—from the sky.

I want him to smile.

My love for him was pure.

And even now, after everything, I just want him to be at peace… wherever he is.

I have accepted that he is no longer with me.

But every morning and every night,

I look up at the sky.

Just to say

“Good morning.”

“Good night.”

And in my heart,

I still hope he hears me.

This is not just a story about love.

It is a story about memories, pain, and a connection that never truly ends.

Some people come into our lives for a short time,

but leave a mark that stays forever.

He was that person for me.

And even today, in my own quiet way,

I still talk to him through the sky.

Thank you for reading.

Source: Facebook